Game Week: Minnesota (2013)
"Ten Twenty-Two," said the only man to ever own a Minnesota Gophers Starter jacket. Really, the only man to ever wear any Starter jacket in 2011. It took a few minutes for my two friends and I to realize he was talking to us.
We’d driven up to Minneapolis in July to catch a couple of the Twins’ first games at Target Field. As we procured our first of many $9 Miller Lites, we were ID’d by the stadium vendor, who of course felt the need to point out that we were from Nebraska.
That’s when we heard the first of many “Ten Twenty-Two” threats from the aforementioned portly midwesterner, standing a few feet away. Throughout this whole interaction, he kept his eyes trained on the field. Eventually, we pieced together that he was referring to October 22nd, the date of Nebraska’s journey to Minneapolis for its first Big Ten tilt with the Gophers. This man was trying to intimidate us about the game. He was not noticeably drunk. We tried to play the Friendly Husker Fans.
"Well that’ll be fun."
"You have a nice stadium that we almost hopped the gate to sneak into last night." (true story)
"Good luck on Ten Twenty-Two."
Throughout our 3-minute string of niceties, Starter Jacket Guy barely mad eye contact with us. At one point he uttered some half-intelligible threat about the Gophers “surprising” the Huskers, but otherwise he stared deadly onto the field from the mezzanine, with only an occasional nod, sideways glance, and his catchphrase. “Ten Twenty-Two.” We walked away, and made fun of the man behind his back for the rest of the weekend.
Three months later, on Ten Twenty-Two Eleven, Nebraska beat Minnesota 41-14 without really trying much in the second half.
The moral of the story is that being a Minnesota Gophers fan is really fucking sad.
So this week’s comic doesn’t go to hard on them. Instead, Bo and the boys breakdown the team, assess the competition and welcome back an old pal.
Follow TWOS on Twitter for daily fun, like this! Also, if you missed it, I did an interview with my friend Feit Can Write. But first, here’s this week’s comic, which begins with another really fucking sad Gophers fan.
Game Week: Purdue (2013)
Purdue? Really? I looked Purdue up to find some stuff out and got so bored that I switched to my Twitter tab 8 times before I finished one article about their stupid team. I also keep mistyping it as “Purude” because I clearly just do not care about this team.
You know when you’re on an airplane and you realize it’s two hours until you land and your iPad is out of batteries and the bathroom’s too far away and you’ve already laughed at everything in Skymall? So you decide to read the in-flight magazine because it’s either that or gnaw off your own arm?
Purdue is the in-flight magazine of the 2013 schedule.
Feel free to unfasten your seatbelt. God, they are terrible. Which of course means we’re going to lose. Okay we probably won’t. I was pretty encouraged by our performance against Illinois. Is that a sentence I ever thought I’d have to type? No. But that’s a decent offense and the Huskers were able to dictate a lot of the game to them. Also Tommy Armstrong is smoother than Carl Pelini at last call.
So let’s see if the kid can take the show on the road. I’ll bet he can. But in the back of everyone’s mind will be the sad realization that they’re depriving the T-Magic of his favorite passtime. (Trivia alert: that quote was referred to me by a friend before I ever started TWOS, and it is almost single-handedly responsible for inspiring the Taylor Martinez character).
This week in the Tunnel: Tim Beck speaks in code, Tommy is visited by the ghosts of quarterbacks past and Drake and Taylor will give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off their property. Follow TWOS on Twitter, and please note that there will be no comic next week because it’s another bye week because God hates us.
Let’s do this:
Game Week: Illinois (2013)
Hey remember when we saw Illinois on the schedule and notched it as an automatic win where Taylor Martinez would run up 60 points and the defense would bend but not break in its first Big Ten test and we’d be 5-0, on our way to a fairly automatic 7-0?
Yeah that was three whole weeks ago.
This season is nuts. Which is good news for TWOS and bad news for my ever-growing collection of ulcers and ever-dwindling supply of bourbon. But man this is fun, isn’t it? Seriously. If you would’ve told me two weeks ago that half the fan-base would be hitching its wagon to the Tommy Armstrong star, I would’ve just figured we had fired Bo for saying “Fuck the fans” and named Joe Ganz as interim head coach. In all honesty, I feel terrible for Taylor. Like Rex Burkhead and Jared Crick before him, he’s watching from the sidelines what was supposed to be his statement senior season. I don’t care you who think should start at quarterback, that sucks for the Magic.
But it’s Tommy Time. Oh, and also our defense is the rough equivalent of 11 separate strands of spaghetti thrown at the wall to see what sticks. Except Randy Gregory. Randy Gregory is jalapeno meatballs, and he will destroy your bowels from the inside. And Stanley Jean-Baptiste is the grated parmesan you sprinkle… this metaphor went to shit.
This week in the Tunnel, Bo goes on a spiritual journey, Taylor teaches Tommy how to play quarterback and everyone attempts to pronounce Nathan Scheelhaase’s last name.
Follow TWOS on Twitter for “gems” like this. Oh, and that’s also where you can get instructions on how to get your own red YOLOStrong bracelet in support of Turf Toe Awareness Month. Here we go:
Game Week: South Dakota State (2013)
True story: last week I actually thought to myself, “After UCLA I won’t have much to talk about with the comic.” Then we got depantsed at home. Then Bo melted down. Then he told Tommie Frazier to go fuck himself. Then he told fans to do the same. And then Taylor Martinez got hurt and we’re starting Tommy Armstrong. Also Memorial Stadium is now a Wal-Mart and touchdowns count for 4 points and the tunnel walk music and video is just Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball.”
I cannot remember a week this dramatic in my long history as a Husker fan. It exposed a lot of the worst traits of our program and a couple of the better ones. But it was an extended field day for the Bo haters and a full week of work for the Bo lovers and a headache for the majority of sane Husker fans that fall in between those two camps and have to say things like, “He’s not Hitler but we’re also not winning games we should win.” Frankly, it was exhausting.
So I almost didn’t write a comic this week. That’s another true story. I was reluctant to throw another log on the fire of this budding culture of negativity. Until mid-week, I wasn’t really feeling up to it. But if there’s one thing we could all use, it’s a laugh. So hopefully this week’s comic delivers in at least that regard.
I will, however, not be doing a new comic next week for the bye. Like I said, I need a little break. Meanwhile, I’ll be on Twitter and happy to field breathless #BoMustGo tweets with a hearty eye roll and some heavy drinking. But seriously, I really enjoyed discussing and debating with you this last week. It was fun in a week when fun didn’t seem possible.
Enough of me talking. Let’s laugh at some dirty words…
PS: To Sombrero Fan, Batman Fan (Batfan?!), Larry the Cable Guy and Twitter’s @TheRedOne80, whose likenesses are used as “fans” in this edition… please understand you’re just standing in as a representation of the fan base. No offense intended. I love all your guys’ spirit. Also, if Larry the Cable Guy is actually reading this, whoa!
Game Week: UCLA 2013
I have a theory that if you’re a BCS team and you wanna get better, schedule Nebraska. We played USC for 2 years in their Pete Carroll Can Do No Wrong Era instead of the Lane Kiffin Dry Humping a Dumpster Fire While on Bath Salts Era. Then we got Virginia Tech for the two years they weren’t woefully inconsistent. Then we schedule UCLA - who had been USC’s bottom bitch for 20 years - just in time for them to not suck (more about that in today’s comic). Guess who we play starting next year: Miami! No, not the impossibly under-achieving Miami of the last 10 years. But New Miami. The one that just beat Florida.
Why can’t we play Suddenly Terrible Texas now? I’m sure by the time we play Troy (that’s the name of a college!) in 2018, they’ll have joined the SEC and be competing for national titles. TROY IN ‘18.
But this week it’s UCLA’s turn to frustrate us. That said, I was pretty encouraged by last week’s performance. Do you remember the first couple games of Lavonte David, where you could tell he was amazing but needed a little time to get adjusted? Randy Gregory looks like he’s in exactly that mode. God, what a terrifying human. Because of that - and my undying optimism - I think we beat UCLA this weekend, 45-37.
This week in the tunnel, the Martinez brothers have a song in their heart, a special guest lights a fire under everyone’s asses and Bo and Coach Papuchis discuss redecorating the weight room. Follow TWOS on Twitter for daily updates, and enjoy the game tomorrow.
Guys, it’s time for Mornin’ Drinkin’.
Game Week: Southern Miss 2013
Gather ‘round children, and hear The Ballad of Southern Mississippi football. This game was supposed to be in Hattiesburg. Then the USM Athletic Department needed money and thought maybe we’d play it at a neutral site in New Orleans. Then it was rumored to move to Kansas City, when the Huskers AD wanted a nearby travel destination for fans. Eventually, the Golden Eagles needed the your-cab-fare’s-on-the-dresser payout so desperately that they agreed to come back to Lincoln and play in the Sea of Red just a year after being beaten there by 29 points. They haven’t won a game since. They amassed a grand total of 23 rushing yards last week against Texas State. And they return to Lincoln with their 3rd head coach in as many years.
Ladies and gentlemen, when Tom Osborne is on his way out the door, stay out of the way of his pimp hand. It is kept strong at all times.
I’m posting this realizing that I did not write anything about Southern Miss in this week’s comic. That’s how boring Southern Miss is. Now, watch them Appalachian State vs. Michigan our asses and I’ll have a full diet of crow next week. But this is a pretty god awful team and a group of Huskers hungry to prove the doubters wrong.
I wrote about the doubters and the sunshine pumpers and the dangers of presumption earlier this week, if you’d like to read that. Otherwise, enter the tunnel. This week, Bo reaches out to the kids, gives Nathan Gerry a nickname and meets his kicker for the first time. It goes pretty much like you think it will.
Follow TWOS on Twitter for daily BS, and if you’re cheering on the Huskers in person tomorrow, please drink plenty of water, don’t overdo the alcohol and maybe hug a Southern Miss fan, if you see any.