Tunnel Walk of Shame

Today, we talkin’ about practice.

Hope springs eternal. And nowhere more than Memorial Stadium on a balmy April afternoon. The Spring Game offers us the rare opportunity to pretend we care about the third string free safety. But it’s something more than that. It’s also the opportunity to tell my girlfriend, “You said I could drink in the mornings if it’s for a football game.” Well I can and I will because I am a free American.

I still don’t know if I’ll go to the game. Like most things, it always seems like a good idea until about 15 minutes in. But I’m excited to see Tommy Armstrong actually play football, and to watch Imani Cross run through a 4th string walk-on linebacker like he’s not even there. Imani Cross is tremendous.

Anyway, after this I’m off until fall camp. Have a kick ass summer. And if you miss me, follow TWOS on Twitter in the meantime. Also, in case you missed my interview with Corn Nation, you can check out part 1 and part 2. That’ll hold us til August, right? Oh God. I hate the offseason so hard.

Hey! Have you ever wanted to find out more about Tunnel Walk of Shame? What goes into it? How it started? Probably not. But regardless, I did an interview with Brandon Cavanaugh for the nice folks at Corn Nation. Here’s part one, for your reading pleasure.

UPDATE: here’s part two.

I must be some kind of damn degenerate to write a comic about National Signing Day. But here we are, with pictures of Bo and way more Ross Els then there should be, ever.

This year’s class is creating a lot of buzz. We’ve got THE Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment, the person who may have murdered Kurt Cobain, and oh yeah, Taylor Martinez’s little brother. It’s gonna be a great four years.

In case you missed me, I’ll remind you that TWOS is live on Twitter, every day. But now, for the main event…

Have you ever seen American History X? Great movie. I watch it every time it’s on. Except for that fucking curb-stomping scene. I hide in my hands like a little bitch when that scene is on. And that’s the only thing that’s ever caused that reaction in me… until the Big Ten Title Game. I have no fucking idea what that was. Bret Bielema pulled a Frank the Tank before the game, temporarily blacking out and coaching the game of his life before springing back to life and not knowing how he did it. THAT’S HOW YOU BEAT NEBRASKA.

The wounds have mostly healed. Though the scar tissue from that loss leaves me ready to turn away from any curb stomping that might be coming our way against Georgia. Have you seen Georgia? Holy shit. They are fast and good at sports and will probably do all of our girlfriends.

Regardless, it wouldn’t be a game week without a return to the Tunnel Walk of Shame. In our final installment (until the Spring Game probably), we follow the gang to Disney World, as they try to harness the Magic of the Kingdom to help heal their wounds. 

Like I said, it’s our last comic for a little bit. But you can follow me on Twitter for more TWOS action throughout basketball and baseball season. Until then, look at this fucking picture of Bo Pelini and Taylor Martinez (and the dozens that follow it with poorly written captions slapped on them).

Hey PS. I made wrote a shitty sappy note to you all at the end of the last comic to tell you I really appreciated your readership and comments over the course of the past year. So here’s another in case you missed it. This Tunnel Walk of Shame thing has been fun as shit for me. And judging by the variety of internet high-fives you all dish out to me via Twitter and elsewhere, you’ve enjoyed it, too. If you didn’t, I’d stop doing it. So thanks for all the nice comments and picture submissions and whatever else. I’m going to miss doing this every week, until next year. When I will be back in full force, just like T-Magic.

YOLO Fuck Wads,

TWOS

I like to think that, at least a couple times during the Iowa game, Taylor Martinez walked up to a coach and said, “Man this wind really blows!” and then almost pissed himself laughing. That’s what I’d do. I’ll bet John Papuchis almost punched him in the face. That game did blow though. At least until the second half, when Clark Kent finally emerged from the phone booth to bitch slap our obnoxious and horrible neighbor to the east. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… a sustainable running game!

And now, it’s off to Indy. A rematch with the 6-6 Wisconsin Badgers. This week in the Tunnel, we review the Hawkeye game, preview Wisconsin, celebrate some hard-earned post-season accolades and get a visit from the horrible Urban Meyer. Don’t you just hate Urban Meyer? God. I wouldn’t kick many gentlemen square in the dick but he is right there in contention.

[EDIT: I’ve been corrected. Wisconsin is 7-5. Still completely full of cheese and bullshit and unearned arrogance. But 7-5, not 6-6]

As usual, make sure you follow TWOS on Twitter. I’m gonna take a few weeks off from comic-writing and do one more before the bowl game, but I’ll stay as active as I can on Twitter. As is fitting, this week’s comic leads off with my spirit animal, Eric Martin. Enjoy…

PS: As this is my last entry for a little while, I just wanted to take this moment of sincerity (don’t worry I saved it until after the comic) and say a heartfelt “Thank You” to everyone who reads this ridiculous, dumb-ass blog. It’s a fun little side project for me, but your comments and jokes and everything make it something I really look forward to. I sincerely appreciate that, and all the kind words on Twitter, Reddit, etc. Thanks for reading, Fuck Wads.

Happy Wednesday from Tunnel Walk of Shame! I’m posting this week’s comic a few days early because it’s Thanksgiving week and I will be entirely too stuffed/hung over to write anything worthwhile after tomorrow afternoon (not that anything I’ve written before should be considered “worthwhile”). In fact, I plan to have my fat ass forklifted in front of the TV for Friday’s game, and will have relatives poking me with a stick in case we score so that I can grunt out a cheer from between my temporary multiple chins before slowly drifting into what is medically considered a “coma.”

If you love flowery writing like that last sentence, be sure to follow TWOS on Twitter. 

But before that, we have a lot to be thankful for. Specifically, Dr. Tom. Last week’s stirring tribute at Memorial Stadium reminded us that there’s nothing funnier than an old man running. The elbows, the fear. It’s beautiful. Bless you, Tom. That’s what I’m truly thankful for. And in that spirit of thankfulness, I’ve gathered all your favorite Tunnel Walk of Shame characters around the table of brotherhood, sisterhood and gingerhood for this week’s comic. Enjoy.

PS: The last slide is a paraphrasing of the greatest T-Magic quote of all time. 

OH SHIT THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. The Huskers handled their business on Saturday, with a gritty win that took Penn State down harder than the Freeh Report. There were controversial (missed) calls, shouting matches and Zone Read Rain Man Taylor Martinez making people act a fool.

Which means we’re two games away from Indianapolis. I have no desire to ever step foot in Indiana. It seems awful. And before you say, “Nebraska’s no better!” let me remind you that we have an entire Stone Henge made out of cars. But the Huskers are going to Indy, provided they can avoid pulling an Iowa State this weekend. And provided Iowa Gonna Iowa (4-6 overall, 2-4 in conference).

This week in the Tunnel, we get a visit from an old friend, Bo gets angry, and Taylor Martinez raises the Mother Fuckin’ Roof. Follow us on Twitter for more fun. And as a public service announcement, please help our friends in Iowa City by texting LOLOL to the number 4-6-2-4 to contribute $10 to the Kirk Ferentz Contract Buyout Fund.

Now then, into the Tunnel…

Okay this team is just fucking with us now, right? Taylor Martinez is either a damn good quarterback or the world’s most elaborate and dedicated troll. That was the Taylor Martinezest game in the history of football. But we won it. We fucking won it, and nobody can take that away from us. Unless it’s discovered that Ameer Abdullah is actually a Time Traveling Ahman Green in disguise and we are stripped of all this year’s victories.

But that probably won’t happen. What will happen is we will play Penn State this Saturday. It’ll be a little different than last year since the game’s here and they don’t have Silas Redd and also there’s not a child rape scandal hanging over the whole affair. 

This week in the Tunnel, we talk record-setting quarterbacks, presidential politics, California Dreams and the McRib. Follow TWOS on Twitter if you’d like, where you’ll get occasional one-panel comics when I feel like it/am bored/have been drinking. But for now, enjoy this week’s offering…

Remember when I wrote that sarcastic flowchart about how we could actually win the Big 10 this year? Well… shit. Now that seems doable. But I’m sure we’ll all get a big boner about it and then inevitably get beat by Minnesota and end up in the D’leon’s Bowl at Seacrest Field.

But we’ll wait a few weeks to pull our hair out and predict the temperature of Bo Pelini’s seat. For now let’s just enjoy the good times, and try not to think of this fact: right now is the most excited we’ve been for the Huskers’ post-season prospects in 3 years, and yet, if we had to go play Bill Fucking Snyder’s Kansas State Power Towels right now we’d get throttled by a Tim Tebow wannabe. 

Regardless, we beat Michigan, Shoelaces or no. And now it’s on to Michigan State. This week in The Tunnel, we prematurely talk Big Ten Title Game, the D gets their due, Denard Robinson stops by, Ameer Abdullah arrives and Taylor Martinez has a new pair of shoes he’d like to tell you about. As always, follow TWOS on Twitter where I will forget to check my mentions for a few days and make you feel unloved. Now then, let’s get on with the action…

NOTE: Sorry for the delay earlier, Tumblr was down. Now it’s back. Proceed!

For those of you who didn’t either give up on the Huskers midway through last week’s game (understandable) or didn’t suffer a heart attack in the fourth quarter, here’s a brand new Tunnel Walk of Shame comic. Holy crapping fuck, that game was awful/awesome. 

Lots of people are asking how many mistakes the Huskers can make and still win games. I’ll take the over. Somehow we find a way to win, mostly because there are about 3 X-Men mutants on this team who continue to save our ass. Quincy Enunwa, please never get hurt/graduate. 

But now, attention turns to Michigan and Denard Robinson. This week in the Tunnel, we try to figure out how to stop him (and don’t), and then discuss recent Twitter trends. Also there’s a lot of profanity, as usual. Don’t forget to follow TWOS on Twitter. Last week I live-tweeted portions of the game because it was easier than crying. So, you know, make sure you don’t miss that.

Anyway, on with it…

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!? Much as I love me some bye-week filler prognostications (“Top 5 True Freshmen You Won’t See This Year or Probably Next!”) and coach-speak, if I hear the word “execute” one more time I’m going to become a Mizzou fan. Kidding, kidding, I have a soul. 

The Tunnel returns to action this week, too. We get a visit from new G.A.D. (Ginger Athletic Director), as well as the first appearance of American Badass Tim Miles. Plus, we bow our heads in prayer.

Enjoy the comic, and be sure to follow TWOS on Twitter if you’re not one of the millions already doing so. Thanks for tuning in each week. And now, look at this great mother fucking picture of Bo and Papuchis I found…

The Huskers are taking a week off - their second in a row, actually. See? We laugh to keep from crying. Shit last week was awful. As always, follow TWOS on Twitter if you’d like. We now have more than 500 followers, one for each yard we gave up to Braxton Miller. 

Today, we depart for one week from our usual comic format to explore the Huskers chances at winning the Big 10. Quick note, if you’re having trouble viewing the massive flow chart below, you can try this enlargeable (ha) version. But first, a word from our dear friend…

Welcome back to The Tunnel Walk of Shame. Inspired by the Huskers’ come-from-behind victory, I produced a comic this week despite not planning to. I had an alternate form of entertainment planned for you all, but that’ll wait until next week, for the bye. Trust me, it’ll be fun, so come on back for that.

But this week, we’re back in our usual format. And we’re talking Wisconsin, OSU, and a terrifying new G.A.D. (Ginger Athletic Director). Also, we mention Rex Burkhead’s 15-yard stiff arm of some bitch-ass from Wisconsin, a feat so great that the state is still trying to stifle its collective boner. Or at least, I am.

Don’t forget to follow TWOS on Twitter, where we have more followers than Memorial Stadium has consecutive sellouts (#SoProud). Also, if you’re new to TWOS be sure to check out the about page. You know, if you want some context and shit. 

Anyway, on with the fun…

PS: I’ve also had a sort of alarming amount of people ask about “YOLO, Fuckwads” t-shirts. That’s probably not gonna happen real soon, despite a very kind screen printer reaching out to me via Twitter and offering his assistance. I’ll keep you posted if we decide to go down that route, though. 

Welcome back to the Tunnel. After pummeling what might as well have been Scottsbluff Senior High, the Huskers return to actual competition this weekend. Or, barring that, Wisconsin. As always, feel free to follow TWOS on Twitter.

Today, we cover last week’s massacre, this week’s distractions and the end of an era. 

By the way, someone suggested making “YOLO, FUCKWADS” t-shirts with Taylor Martinez’s face on them. This is… a great idea. If I find the spare time, I’ll make it happen. Proceeds will go to charity (Cotton Family Scholarship Fun).

EDIT: Image hosting site is a bit flighty today. If panels appear black, hit the ole Refresh button.

Welcome back to the Tunnel Walk of Shame. This week, Bo checks out of the hospital and into our hearts. Plus, a visit from a fan and an introduction to the Idaho State Whatever-The-Fucks. 

Also, if you want to be the first to know when this comic is live every week - and why wouldn’t you? - then follow TWOS on Twitter. You’ll even get special preview panels and possibly an occasional drunken rant. 

Anyway, on with it:

P.S. I didn’t have time to work in the late-breaking news of Chase Rome’s return to the team, but rest assured it would’ve included WWE’s Jim Ross screaming, “OH MY GAWWD, OH MY GAWWD, IT’S CHASE ROME! CHASE ROME IS BACK AND HE’S GOT A STEEL CHAIR! SUNUVA BITCH!” 

Probably time to hand out those Black Shirts, right?

Probably not. But unlike Bo Pelini, I don’t wait until week 8 to hand out the goods. So here’s this week’s comic, complete with BO RAGE and the introduction of Rick (or Rich?) Kazin….Kanisk….Kacinsk…. you know, I don’t give a shit. Worst name ever.

No Rex Burkhead? No problem. Maybe. Plus, we explore Nebraska’s special teams woes - as soon as we figure out who’s in charge of them.

Welcome to the Tunnel Walk of Shame, your weekly source for the best (only), lazily-assembled Husker comic in town. Follow this blog on tumblr, whatever that means, and follow us over on Twitter, too. 

This week, we take a probably-factual look behind the scenes as the staff and players prepare for the Southern Miss Whatever The Fuck Their Mascot Is. But first, a title slide with Jamal Turner sitting on Brandon Kinnie’s lap. Because I feel like it.

[Hover over the pictures and click the  Next» arrow to scroll through the comic]

In which we discuss Varsity Blues, roster changes and Eli Manning poop face. If nothing else, a welcome contrast to the unfailingly positive reports coming out of every fall camp ever for eternity.